In the last few weeks I've been watching a lot of Cheaters (the tv show) and it's really got me thinking? Why do men/women cheat? is it possible for men/women not to cheat? how true is all that crap about we not being wired to be monogamous?. I know everyone gets tempted, but whats the difference between those who go ahead and those who don't?, just willpower?
Anyway, of course I went investigating with my best friend (google..lol). Who told me men and women cheat for different reasons. According to the search results on google, with men most times its purely physical, some analogy was given on one of the sites using chocolate cake. A man will walk into a kitchen see some chocolate cake and eat it even though he's not hungry, a woman on the other hand will only eat (not always o!....lol) if she's hungry or in other words if something is lacking in her relationship.
So back to my original question, why do people cheat? Is it worth it? (especially with married couples) Do you really believe what you don't know can't hurt you? Calling out all reformed and active cheaters..lol, everyone else feel free to comment as well.
23 comments:
First!!!! Tee hee hee!
Seriously, the issue is a sensitive one, more so in marriage me thinks. Everyone gets tempted and it is really by the grace of God that marriages do not suffer from adultery or that they can recover from it.
I am really looking forward to comments by other people but what I think is that anyone - man or woman, in a relationship or in marriage is capable of cheating. It often starts with a temptation which is often under-rated i.e. "I can handle this". My view for married women (the young ones) is to watch the temptation and pray against it and do everything humanely possible to AVOID that temptation, (no matter how drastic) since will-power is weak...
As to the reason behind cheating, if someone else other than your partner is beginning to look more attractive/appealing to you than your partner/spouse, either try to wisely rectify the situation (i.e. if it's physical like your partner adding weight, making him/her unattractive, encourage a change, talk about it etc) or remove the source of temptation. Same if the reason is your partner being emotionally unavailable. Wives, in particular, we have our ways to drive the point across.
A little example, although not one of infidelity. My husband is under 6 feet, but handsome and has always been slim. To me, he was ok. I certainly commended him on being slim and nice compared to those in his age group (mid 30s) who already had pot bellies! I didn't know I used to unconciously sigh and make comments wishing he was more "buffed" i.e. muscular. Apparently, my eyes used to light up seeing all those nicely-built actors, models etc. Not to mention that LL Cool J is one of my favorite. My husband works in Abuja so he secretly began to go to the gym. The next time I saw him, all my friends and his commended him; he looked good enough to eat (yum!) He's fit and looks better, has a better self-esteem and dresses to kill. In fact, I am being yabbed that he actually looks better than me!!!!!(Yeah right!) He said he decided to do something about it when I kept dropping little hints. Bless him! Of course now I am required to continue to look young and slim, which cos of my height and light exercises, is the case. Needless to say, my husband is like a movie star with the fans he is getting. Hmmm! They ahd better leave him alone oh! Just an example of how we can encourage each other to look and feel one's best, which reduces the temptation of adultery in both parties....
sorry for interrupting but its quite urgent come check my page out its the last time i swear.
honey cheating can be fun sometimes you should try it lol joking.. you did a research wow
have a sup-splendid-delicious weekend
i wont comment just yet, i want to read all the interesting responses, if only more people will comment!
This is what Rev. T.D.Jakes called "80/20".
You see your spouse has 80% of what you need ... oh.. if he could just be the other 20% then things will be ok. But as time goes on, instead of appreciating the 80%, you start complaining and wishing you had the 20%. Then Mr. or Mrs. 20% comes along.. and you think.. yeah this is what I need.. and you foolishly let go of the "80%" to grasp the "20%.
We all experience challenges in our marriages. But when we start to believe that there is something out there better than what we have, that is the day the affair starts. We need to be committed in building up our spouses in the areas that they are lacking.
Now, I have to say that some men are dogs. They MUST be trained. And everynow and then you need to go LOCO on them to keep them in check.
Why do people cheat? Who knows! I personally think it boils down to sepcific and probably unique reasons from person to person.
I just believe that men and women (especially married couples) need to be honest with themselves and each other. I don't encourage cheating. You don't want your partner anymore, talk about it. Give your spouse the respect they deserve and an honorable way to end the relationship.
Of course, this might not be the best option in all cases, but I can't imagine when or why not it shouldn't be the only opton for couples.
As to whether one wants to know if their spouse is cheating. Again, it probably depends on the individual. Personally, I have always advised my girlfriends to open my eyes for me if ever it were necessary. When I was single, I prescribed to my own personal -ism - if it stinks, then there's shit. So, if something isn't right, let that person go. Not so easy when you are married, I know, but that's where communication, respect and prayer come in, I believe. Those factors are the main ones that will help any individual come to a decision as to whether or not to stay or leave.
People cheat because of sin.Sin is a breaking of God's laws. Temptation comes and people who have not made a true commitment to the person they married will cheat. Commitment means that you are committed to that person whether you like them at the moment or not. Our feeling come and go at will but if we are committed to being married we will keep that committment. You know how I know I have been married for 45 years. Have I been happy at all times with my husband, no, nor he with me. when we got married we made the committment to stay married come what may. When the problems came we knew we had to work them out.so we did and I can truthfully say that we love each other much more than the day we married. Love is a word that most people do not understand. It is not that gushy feeling of lust, it is defined in the Bible in 1Corinthians chapter 13:1-13. If you have that kind of love you will have a good marriage. God has a plan for those who are married. The husband is the head of the wife and is to love her as Christ loved the church. The wife is to submit to the husband and respect him. You may think these are silly answers but they WORK. My husband and I have 5 children, 4 boys and 1 girl, 20 grandchildren and 4 great grand children. One of those grandchildren and one great grand child will be born in September of this year. Our lives have been blessed by God because we love Him and want to live the way He tells us to live. Now, you can live the way of the world but you have no promise that your marriage will last or that your spouses will not cheat. I made up my mind 46 years ago that I didn't want to live that way so we chose God's way. That is my testimony. I hope it is a help to someone. connie from Texas
It's very funny I just reading a chapter in Pastor Bimbo Odukoya's book where she talked about cheating.
"God is telling us in Gal 5:19 that a person who commits fornication is capable of adultery, has the tendency to hate, can easily walk in unforgiveness and worse still, can end up killing you."
But really, it all boils down to what mama bomboy said and I can totally relate. I think it's very important for all of us to focus on not what we can do for our partners but the blessing we can add to their lives. So when we're constantly thinking of how we can do for them, we forget the 20% inadequacies and stop looking outside for that fulfliment.
but easier said than done right?
I remember reading somewhere that this guy always told his wife when he looked at another woman and they would pray together for God to remove the thoughts of lust he had. Now that's honest love!
The Other Side Of A Gemini now showing on my blog
Hello 9jamommy…
I haven’t commented on your blog in quite sometime – and this is one VERY interesting topic!
Why do people cheat?? Various reasons! Marriage in itself is TOUGH!! If you married for money, after you acquire the money…don’t be surprised when love comes calling and you end up cheating. If you married because of a child…love might still hit you later on down the line and you cheat. If you married for lust mistaking that for love…same thing happens. There are so many variables!
Now there are also cases where people are in love and one spouse still cheats. Why? Sometimes its a total lack of self control or looking for something that is missing - a ton of reasons; none of them being good ones.
I used to say that I would never be the kind of person to cheat … I am still holding on to that…
But as I have been married for longer and longer I see myself changing and growing, I find that I can understand more and more why people cheat. Sometimes you both may be in different places and you are not exactly growing together. It doesn’t make it right, I also do not condone it. But I understand it a little bit more and this is also why marriage is so much HARD work!!!
I agree with Mamabomboy though, some men are just dogs period. And depending on who they marry, they either stay “untrained” or become housebroken. It all depends on the man/woman.
It takes the grace of God not to misbehave especially when two of you are not together in spirit and there is communication gap but sincerely,that option could be tempting when you are not happy in your marriage but it doesnt worth it.Every man/woman especially men should learn to appreciate their wife,it doesnt matter she is fat,not trendy,not sophisticated but remember you chose her
Wow! Some really wise responses here... I have nothing to add just to pray it never happens to me... or to you!
@ all, wow, these are some great responses..
@lm..that's a really cute story with you and your husband...lol
@diary of a g...ok
@justme...lol..so when are you coming back to comment on all the people
@mama bomboy...I never heard of the 80/20 rule, I mean that pretty much sums up most cases....lol at having to go LOCO
@solomonsydelle...yeah it's definitely a tad bit more complicated when you're married..
@connie....I commend you on your long happy relationship with your husband, it's good to know there are some couples out there who still believe in 'monogamy'
@chichi...it's really easier said than done, but damn @ the person who cheats on you can end up killing you, that's extreme..
@anonymous...aww that's so cute....I bet if every guy had to do that a lot of knees will be sore ...lol
@bluntremi....yeah long time, I know exactly what you mean, there were so many things I never thought I will do or even think of but I find that as I get older things change
@anijawife, thanks for stopping by, if only it were true that whoever you pick you stay with but it never quite works out like that, especially with men
@omara...yeah apparently this is a topic every woman has an opinion on..lol....but like you said let's hope it doesn't happen to any of us
My missus is a big fan,.....not sure if she is getting tips or just enjoying the program...
@ababoypart2....awww, tell her thanks and to drop by or more often if she already is. Don't worry we're not giving any cheating tips here o...lol
This is an age old question that i doubt has any answers that really make sense..for me its plain greed and lack of self control..LOL. Simplistic i know but underneath all the other reasons lie these 2 things
I really liked the explanation of "Connie's thoughts through teh heart". Her longterm happy marriage is an inspiration to all and shows that with God all things are possible. May God help us all, amen!
Ol' girl: I'm wating fir updates on kpuff kpuff bday, oh! Hurry back....
I love my hubby & i cant imagine cheating on him, i actualy cannot see a reason why i should, mainly cos GOD WILL PUNISH ME DIE.
I believe cheating can happen to just about anybody, we are all human beings but we gotta weigh the outcome and consequences no matter what the circumstances are.
I have watched some movies where you can relate with a woman/man when they have affairs but one thing i believe is that nothing is hidden under the sun and HURT will definately come in.
I try to be the girl he met some years ago and 1 thing i am grateful about is that my DH is my friend, we dated for a very long time and then finally got married so we have mutual friends, and a past together. We are friends so i can talk to him about anything and he can do the same, we are honest with eachother and i think that has helped iour r/ship and so i cant imagine cheating on him and i wanna believe he cant see any reason to cheat on me as i WONT GIVE HIM ANY REASON.
I have been cheated on before, by my hubby. I was FURIOUS when I found out. Oh yeah, I FOUND OUT ...another story entirely!!!
I left him after trying to sort things out with him etc.
Its a long story but to shorten it, I had to deal with the situaltion (him and the girl) and he needed to realize that if all other women take that ...I WILL NOT!
It took a very long time to get back to the way we once were(yes, we are back together)...A VERY LONG TIME. I am big on equality and really wanted to make him feel the pain I felt...
A particular friend of his crossed my mind...
But , I didnt do it. He would never be able to deal with it as I did.
The point is, he had the one chance he will ever get.
I am not perfect, far from it. But I am constantly improving on myself to make sure I am as close to perfect as can be. I also know that I am EXTREMELY independent. Which for a man is tough! Does that mean he is allowed to cheat?? HELL NO!!
I dont believe that I HAVE to stay married. I know for a fact that I also do not have anyone stressing me to stay married, which is a good thing. I am hopefully married because I choose to be(love too-lol) and because the person makes me happy. Once that stops, its OVER.
Our children derive their happiness from us-their moms. Not to say that their dads are unimportant. But ...they are not their core either - we are. I do not derive my happiness from people. It comes from within and I would have it with or without the marriage...so that defines me.
@Babeplus...sometimes even without a reason , they do...Hopefully, it will never happen to you.
Its HELL to get over!
I think women should "check-up" on their men every once in a while. Especially if you suspect anything. But even if you don't suspect anything... If the man has nothing to hide, then he shouldn't mind you answering his phone... checking his email etc.
I have a friend living with high blood pressure and depression caused by her husband. Why shorten your life because of the actions of anyone? Adding children to the mix definitely complicates things. But if the cheated dies from stress... the precious children lose.
@uzo, I know what you mean but sometimes it's not that straight-forward
@lm...agree with you, 45 years of marriage, that's serious..
@solomonsydelle..lol..I'm putting a post up today on that (ok maybe tomorrow...lol)
@babe plus...that's good, it's sounds like you and your hubby have a great thing going, it's definitely very important to be friends with your husband/wife, but even then people are different, I tend to be secretive about somethings with Mr. not because they are wrong, but because I don't want him jumping the gun to a million conclusions, I just don't have the patience for those conversations these days
@bluntremi...wow..wow..wow, sorry to hear that happened, it's really great that you guys were able to get past it, I don't know if that's something I could do now, but they say you never know till you're in it. Good thing you didn't retaliate cause you definitely would have regretted it, there's no point cutting of your nose to spite your face, double lol at "...married because I choose to be(love too-lol) ...."
@anonymous...oh girl, I am double agent 007 o! that one sef I'm even trying to stop because I check up just a little too much....lol. The truth of the matter is no matter how much you want to check if he wants to cheat he will cheat, same goes for women as well. Honestly, these days except I really really suspect something, I am not going to check anything, I can't deal with it..
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